When I started working here as managing editor in March 1988, there was an outgoing, opinionated, practical joker with a type-A personality working here.
She was a reporter by the name of Ruth Anne Long.Appropriately, she started working here on April Fool's Day the year before.
She and other staffers were the ones who helped me learn the ins and outs of the Times-Union, introduced me to the community and made me feel at home.
She left the Times-Union in July 2003 to marry a man she knew from high school and move to Minnesota.
In the 16 years we worked together, I got to know Ruth Anne pretty well. She made me laugh quite a bit. She made me mad a few times.
But mostly, she worked to make the Times-Union a better newspaper.
We all missed her when she left.
To be completely honest, more than a few eyebrows were raised over her whirlwind courtship and marriage to Tony Maddox after they reconnected at a high school class reunion.
But none of us could have imagined the horrific turn of events that resulted in Ruth Anne's death Nov. 12.
She and her husband were in the process of a divorce. She was found beaten to death and her husband is held without bond, charged with her murder.
The news was jarring. We all were in a state of shock and disbelief. We all knew there were problems in the marriage. We all knew a divorce was in the offing.
But this? No way. Something like this could never happen to Ruth Anne, right?
Wrong.
Fact is, domestic violence does happen. And it happened in the worst way to our friend and co-worker.
In an effort to raise awareness and avert a potential repeat of this tragedy in someone else's life, a group of Ruth Anne's family and friends are planning events next week in her honor and memory.
She will be remembered during National Crime Victims' Rights Week April 26 through May 2. A walk against violence is planned May 2 at the Grace College Campus.
Ruth Anne was a pet lover, so a dog walk is set for 3 p.m. May 2 at McClain Hall on the Grace College campus.
At 3:30 p.m., there will be a vigil at McClain Hall for "Remembering Ruth Anne." There will be a balloon launch and the Grace College choir will perform at 4 p.m.
More information on these events can be found in a story in today's edition.
Victims' advocates say raising awareness is important with regard to domestic violence.
So I'm going to attempt to raise your awareness. Gleaned from helpguide.org, these are warning signs to look for if you think you might be in a potentially abusive relationship.
n Dominance - Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child or even as his possession.
n Power, Control, Humiliation - An abuser will do everything he can to make you feel bad about yourself, or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
n Isolation - In order to increase your dependence on him, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere or see anyone.
n Threats - Abusers commonly use threats to keep their victims from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members or even pets. He may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
n Intimidation - Your abuser may use a variety of intimation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
n Denial and blame - Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abuser may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He will commonly shift the responsibility onto you: Somehow, his violence and abuse is your fault.
Do you:
n feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
n avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
n feel that you can't do anything right for your partner?
n believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
n wonder if you're the one who is crazy?
n feel emotionally numb or helpless?
Does your partner:
n humiliate, criticize, or yell at you?
n treat you so badly that you're embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
n ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
n blame you for his own abusive behavior?
n see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
n have a bad and unpredictable temper?
n hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
n threaten to take your children away or harm them?
n threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
n force you to have sex?
n destroy your belongings?
n act excessively jealous and possessive?
n control where you go or what you do?
n keep you from seeing your friends or family?
n limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
n constantly check up on you?
If you could see yourself or your partner when you read this, it might not be a bad idea to get some help.
I bet Ruth Anne saw lots of these warning signs in her relationship. I also bet she never dreamed her situation could become so violent and tragic.
The lesson here is not to think things like this can't happen. They can and they do.
Organizers of the events honoring Ruth Anne say if they can make a difference in just one abused person's life, it's worth it.
If you feel like you're being abused, pick up a phone.
