Continuously serving Kosciusko County since 1854
Editor's Note: This is the second in a four-part series on domestic violence.
Editor's Note: This is the second in a four-part series on domestic violence.
For more than 21 years, "Sara" had to account for every penny spent and every minute of time spent away from home. She was isolated and verbally abused.
Happily remarried now, she is philosophical about her difficult second marriage.
"The problem was I didn't know much about him when we got married. It was 1973, I had been divorced for a year and had a daughter.
"He liked my daughter. She liked him. I thought she needed a father.
"That's what women did then, got married," she said. "I should have had a clue from the way his mother was around his father, but I didn't.
"It wasn't until I was teaching others about abuse prevention that I realized I had been an abused wife.
"The scary part is, I was so deep into it, I didn't realize it."
Sara left an unsupportive family and familiar city and moved to her new husband's "hometown." Her mother had just died.
Her new home in the woods was remote and primitive.
"We were seven miles from town. In the beginning, I had no car, no telephone, electricity or running water and was cut off from everything and everyone for five years."
In that first five years she gave birth to a son and a daughter.
"I knew no one except his family. I was beyond isolated. I felt like I didn't exist.
"He was in control of my coming and going because we didn't have a second car for years. His grocery list had to match the grocery receipt and every penny had to be accounted for. If he thought a trip to town, always accompanied by a child or two, should take one hour, and it took 65 minutes, I was questioned."
"He never raised a hand to me but often raised his voice. I always thought abuse was getting hit."
When she protested anything, Sara was always advised she could leave the house and the children and hike the seven miles to town.
"I wasn't going to let him raise them alone. He thought Christmas presents were a waste of money. I had to stay to soften his attitude toward them.
"I didn't grow up in the country or on a farm. I learned how to garden, weed, can and freeze food.
"I couldn't do anything right, yet I made all my children's clothing and my clothing."
With no electricity, she cooked on a two-burner butane stove, which she considered as being better than building a fire in the yard. Kerosene lanterns provided light.
"That was the beginning of being told how ignorant I was in addition to being old, fat, stupid and ugly.
"I was supposed to be thankful he was providing for me."
Sara added that her ex-husband was nothing to look at - 200 pounds overweight, 20 years old when he graduated high school, and such a poor provider the family was eligible for food stamps.
Eventually, electricity, water and a telephone were installed in the house, but Sara had no close friends or female relatives she could turn to.
Her advice to other young women?
"As with anything, education is key. Don't get isolated. don't let someone else tell you how you are or what you can do."
A woman she talked to occasionally at the grocery story suggested Sara go to college. Sara was eligible for a scholarship program that paid for tuition, books and fees.
She enrolled and started to take classes, braving the storm of verbal abuse that followed.
The college paid her mileage for the two-hour each way trips.
"It didn't matter how bad the weather was, I was expected to return home each night.
"Once, I spent $40 on myself, without permission. I bought socks and undergarments and he had a fit."
When the children had grown and left home, she left, too.
The children never knew how she felt or that there was anything wrong with the marriage.
Her son found her packing clothes in her bedroom the day after her youngest daughter got married.
"My son did not understand why I would leave his father. My son never saw it coming.
"But he was so strict with the children, they won't talk to him now."
She never looked back.
"It was so strange. You know how you part from someone you love and think about them on and off? I never gave him a second thought, never worried or wondered about him.
"Now I know my own lack of self esteem made that ordeal last longer than it should have.
"I thought he was a lot more in control than he was. What put him in that position? Fear.
"I always thought I was capable, intelligent and able. Fear put him in a controlling position. I just can't take the verbal stuff. I may be fat, old and ugly, but I found out I'm smart."
