Local Woman Speaks Out About Domestic Violence And Abuse
Posted
Jennifer Peryam-jperyam@timesuniononline.com
Editor's Note: The names in this story have been changed to protect the victim's identity. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
Bernice Aldridge was married twice and was abused emotionally and physically by both of her husbands.
Aldridge, Warsaw, turns 70 in January, and will celebrate her independence and strength to get out of the abusive relationships. She still sees her first husband at family events, and her second husband died in January.She now lives in an apartment alone, and said she has since forgiven both of her former husbands for the abuse they put her through.
However, the emotional scars have stayed with her over the years. She said she gets a sick stomach in her feeling, and it brings tears to her eyes when she talks about the emotional and physical abuse her former husbands put her through.
Aldridge met her first husband, George, on a blind date. They were married for 28-1/2 years before Aldridge filed for divorce.
Aldridge met George through her first cousin, and they dated for two years. She married him after she graduated high school at age 18.
She was attracted to him because he had manners, respected her at first, and their relationship seemed to fit in place as she described it.
They had two sons together, and after their second son was born Aldridge noticed a change in her husband.
She said men who are abusive are like Jekyll and Hydes, and have two personalities.
"You see the good side, and that is the one you fall in love with, and the bad side comes out of nowhere and that is the one you have to be afraid of," Aldridge said.
Her husband began drinking heavily and had four to five beers every night after work. He also began drinking in front of their children, which she was not comfortable with. The couple had friends they spent time with, and the men in the group began drinking heavily.
She said her husband became an alcoholic, but he didn't want to seek professional help.
"He was not a violent person at first, but as years went on in our marriage and our boys moved out and got married, he became verbally abusive toward me," Aldridge said.
She was working three jobs, and her husband turned 50 and decided he didn't want to work anymore. He began to verbally abuse her and demanded things his way. He became so angry one day he threw a bag of coleslaw at her.
"We separated for six months and I told him my concerns with his verbal abuse and drinking and I was becoming fearful for my life," Aldridge said.
She confided in her mother about the verbal abuse. She moved in with her mother to get away from the abuse. After six months, she did not hear as much as an apology from her husband. That was when she decided to get a divorce.
She was hired in Goshen at an accounting job and began to make friends with her co-workers quickly. They encouraged her to respond to a personal ad in a newspaper for singles seeking to date.
At first she wasn't crazy about the idea, but after prompting by her co-workers she decided to reply to an ad. He was a Dutchmen from the Netherlands, but moved to Elkhart. She learned he had been married three times before her.
At age 47 she married him, but four to five years into the marriage he became physically abusive.
One day she was helping him put together a desk, but the glue was not sticking correctly so he threw a cup of coffee against the wall and it splattered on the white walls. That was the first inclination she saw of his short temper and violent reactions.
"I wasn't sure what had brought that on, and I didn't confront him the rest of the day," Aldridge said.
Six years into their marriage his violence toward her continued.
She said something he didn't like to hear, and he pushed her into the refrigerator, grabbed her around the throat, and told her not to talk to him that way. His hand marks were left around her throat.
"It seemed one word or a sentence would set him off or even just a look," Aldridge said.
One day he came at her and wrestled her to the ground, and she was crying and trying to stand up, but her shoulder slipped out of the socket.
She knew she needed to go to the hospital to have her shoulder looked at, and he took her to the hospital.
A nurse in charge saw she had finger marks on her neck and asked if her husband had abused her. She was scared to say anything, but she allowed the nurse to take photos of her neck. She went back home with her husband, but they never talked about the violence.
One day he tried to strangle her and hold her down. He said he would kill her and hunt her down if she ever left him. She left in her vehicle and filed charges against her husband for domestic abuse.
"When you live with someone you are married to, you don't understand where the violence is coming from," Aldridge said.
"I thought I could make my marriage work and change him, but there comes a time when you tell yourself you can't make a difference," Aldridge said.
The abuse continued over their 19-year marriage, and although they were never divorced, they eventually separated.
They underwent marriage counseling, but her husband said their was nothing wrong with him, and it was the world that was the problem.
She said she was getting physically and mentally worn down and stayed with her son for three months. She then returned to live with her husband and told him if she left again because of his abuse she wouldn't come back.
He began to verbally abuse her again after he didn't like that he didn't make him a sandwich. She grabbed her car keys and left.
She went to a local women's shelter for five days after her friend had advised her of the shelter. She had a place to stay and felt safe from her husband.
She also sought help from Warsaw Police Department's Victims Service Center.
She got a new cell phone number and moved into an apartment in Warsaw where she has lived for the past year.
Aldridge now keeps busy with her church, sending cards to troops and working with the Home Extension Office making pillows for Riley's Hospital for Children.
Aldridge said once a woman leaves an abusive relationship, they need to realize they can't change the person and should not go back to the abusive relationship.
"I hope women with children get away from an abusive relationship and realize she can't protect her children if she can't protect herself," Aldridge said.
A person who knows someone who has been in a domestic violence relationship, or someone who is a victim of domestic violence, can contact the Victims Assistance Program at www.victimservicecenter.org
