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"Sarah" is a survivor.
She knows what it's like to survive an abusive marriage. She knows it's not easy to leave, and she knows that if she had stayed, it only would have gotten worse.
"Abusive men and women go from one extreme to the other. You live for the moments when it's good," she said recently. "But as time goes by, it gets worse and it happens more often."
Sarah and others like her are being honored this week, National Crime Victims' Rights Week, April 22 to 28. Observing this week is a way to provide victims with support and services, and to recognize that victims have rights too.
By escaping from an abusive marriage, Sarah joined the ranks of women for whom violence will no longer be a way of life. But getting to that point is not always easy.
She stayed longer than she wanted to, mostly because she had no money and believed she could not make it on her own. Still, she says now, "the sooner a woman can get out the better. ... The longer a woman stays, the harder it is to leave."
Looking back at the beginning of her relationship with the man who was to become her husband, Sarah said the signs were there if only she had paid attention. She said she didn't realize at the time that his habit of throwing things in anger meant he did not control his temper.
"You just kind of look the other way," she said. "He never threatened to hit me so I thought, 'OK, he's just going to throw things.' But it's progressive."
Because women often overlook or choose not to heed the danger signals of an abusive relationship, Sarah said she thinks parents of teen-agers should get involved in their kids' lives.
"Parents with teen-age girls need to watch and nip that in the bud," she said. "These men are crafty - they know what to say and how to say it. ... If it seems too good to be true, it probably is."
She has made a good life for herself, but still has to maintain contact with her ex-husband because they had two children together.
"If not for yourself, think about the children to come," she said would be her advice to teen-age girls. "Girls, don't be stupid because your kids will pay for it. You owe it to your kids to make sure you're giving them a good daddy. ... Women need to know that once you get out of the house, it ain't over yet. If there are children involved, it's not possible to walk away with no ties."
Women in early relationships that just "feel" wrong should pay attention to their instincts, she said.
"Trust your instincts - they don't lie," she said. "You sense things. If you have an awful feeling in the pit of your stomach, there's a reason. There's always some guy looking for someone to push around, and he'll find you."
For women who are in an abusive situation and are looking for a way to escape, she said, "Know when to run and when to back it up, and if you're already in the situation, leave quietly. Stash your money. As soon as you can, get out of there while he's at work. You don't want a confrontation.
"Bide your time, bite your tongue. ... Just go, don't tell him. If he hasn't hit you yet he probably will when you tell him you're leaving."
Women who can't make up their minds to go should think of their children, she said.
"So many women are too embarrassed to go to a shelter," she said. "But you can buy a new couch. You can buy new clothes. But if you have kids, you can't repurchase their innocence."
Sarah credits her faith in God for getting her through the situation.
"If it wasn't for God I don't know where I'd be right now," she said. "I've seen God move in this situation - he's answered prayer after prayer. No matter how bad it gets, God just kind of defuses the situation."
Because her faith and her church helped her so much, she urges other churches to get involved in reaching out to victims of domestic violence.
"In my situation I didn't see an improvement until I went to church, until I found Jesus," she said. For emotional support, an abused woman should "look in her church. If they don't help you, find another church."
She named characteristics of abusive relationships that should send warning signals to women.
Basically, she said, women should look out for a man who is controlling and has a strong temper and vivid emotions.
"Look out for a guy who's overly romantic, overly emotional, because if he's that quick to tears, his anger's gonna be quick, too," she said. "If somebody's way too helpful, very quick to tell you how to do things, that's not a good sign. If he gets attached too quickly, that's not a good sign. If he slapped the last wife or girlfriend around, he's gonna slap you around."
Churches, families, friends - people close to an abused woman can help just by listening to her, she said. "There's not much you can say to make her feel better, but just listening to her helps. ... Physical wounds can heal; it's the emotional ones that hurt."
