There were a few things in the news this week that I found tragic, amusing, ironic and just plain ridiculous.
I'll let readers match the proper adjective with the corresponding news item.
*****
If you're going to the beach in Destin, Fla., you need to be prepared.
One mom truly was.
Thousands of tar balls washed up on the beach there this week. As recently as Monday, the beaches were clear.
Fastcompany.com has video of a child on the beach with oil stuck on the bottom of her feet. The girl's mom was removing the oil with a bottle of Goo Gone.
We're off to Destin Beach!
Sunscreen? Check. Beach towel? Check. Sunglasses? Check. Chaise lounger? Check. Hair brush? Check. Cooler? Check. Goo Gone? Check. (Dawn dish soap could be a good choice, too.)
*****WTSP in Tampa, Fla., reports the police department has been using officers on horseback to patrol in Ybor City - a renovated, Old Havana-type part of the city chock full of restaurants, bars and clubs.
But recently somebody made a cell phone video of an officer inside a bar - on his horse.
When asked about the incident, Tampa police were unfazed. They said the officer - and his horse - were invited into Habibi's Hookah Bar and Cafe by the owner, and it wasn't the first time.
In the video, you can hear a woman scream, apparently surprised by the equine in the bar. Some shop owners are concerned that somebody could get hurt, even outside during busy times when the streets are crowded.
A police spokesperson said the mounted patrols are a great way to deter crime because the have a very strong presence.
I would imagine the horses have a pretty strong aroma, too. Aren't horses for outdoor use only? I mean, how do you potty train a horse?
*****
Thelocal.de, Germany's online newspaper in English, reports a drunken German football fan beat a police officer with a vuvuzela after the national team's victory over Ghana in World Cup action Wednesday night.
I knew those things were good for something.
For the uninitiated, a vuvuzela is one of those horns soccer fans blow during games. It's kind of annoying, frankly, that constant droning.
The incident happened during a celebration in the town of Dinslaken just north of Duisburg.
An intoxicated 20-year-old fan began taunting a police officer who was directing traffic around a gathering of some 1,500 people.
"As he turned to the 20-year-old, the man suddenly began hitting and kicking the officer," the Web site reported. "Furthermore he began pounding the officer's head with a vuvuzela."
Three "courageous" bystanders jumped in to help subdue the vuvuzela-wielding attacker.
And Germany won the game. What would the German fans have done if they lost? What's up with soccer fans anyway? Why all the violence?
Maybe soccer goals need to be larger so there's more scoring. I think soccer fans start to freak out because they have to wait so long for their team to score a goal.
All they have to do in the meantime is get drunk and blow horns.
*****
You knew it was going to happen.
Lady Gaga hit the floor because of her ridiculous choice of footwear.
The UK's Daily Mail reported the pop star arrived at Heathrow airport surrounded by the usual entourage and promptly fell face first, thanks to the foot-tall, heel-less platform boots she was wearing.
The Mail's Simon Cable notes:
"For most people, a long flight means donning floppy trousers, socks and earplugs that drown out the snoring and dribbling chap next to you.
"But not for Lady Gaga, who emerged at Heathrow airport fresh from New York dressed in an outfit that made her look like a cyborg from a sci-fi movie."
Gaga prides herself on outrageous fashion statements, to be sure. Along with the boots she was wearing skin-tight, thigh-high black leather chaps, a weird cape, a freaky pashmina and a bizarre headband.
The only thing injured in the fall was the singer's pride. And it seems to me she's got enough pride for all of us.
*****
And finally, from thesmokinggun.com we find that a masseuse claims Nobel Prize laureate and global warming afficionado Al Gore fondled and groped her during a massage session.
In a statement to police - you can see a copy of the police report at the Web site - the Oregon woman described Gore as a giggling "crazed sex poodle" who gave a "come hither" look before pouncing on her in a Portland hotel suite.
The woman, whose name was redacted from the police report, portrayed Gore as a tipsy, handsy predator who forced her to drink Grand Marnier, pinned her to a bed, and forcibly French kissed her.
She described Gore as having a "violent temper as well as an extremely dictatorial commanding attitude besides his Mr. Smiley Global Warming concern persona."
The weird thing about all this is that the incident allegedly happened in 2006 and the woman turned down three chances to talk to the cops. She reconsidered in January 2009 and met with detectives who filed the police report but concluded there wasn't enough evidence to start an investigation.
In the police report, the masseuse says, "I was not interested in making any money from this case. I did not want to be labeled a gold digger like the women in this situation are often labeled."
Well, the highly principled masseuse billed the hotel $540 plus a 20 percent gratuity for the massage and she offered to sell her story to the National Enquirer for $1 million. The tabloid didn't pay her, but got ahold of the police report and did a story anyway.
Remember when the news broke that Al and Tipper were getting - gasp! - a divorce? The story was that they simply grew apart after 40 years of marriage.
But since then we've heard that Al allegedly was sleeping with Larry David's ex-wife and sexually assaulting his masseuse.
Seems to me it's Tipper who should have won the Peace Prize - for restraining herself from hitting Al over the head with a frying pan.
