It hurts again, doesn't it Colts fans? To get that close to the Super Bowl and be denied by the Patriots ... again. To watch Tom Brady carve the Colts up like the Grinch carving the roast beast ... again. To feel like the bullies stole your lunch money ... again. I feel you. But since Sunday's games, both the AFC and NFC Championship games, some of my friends on social media have declared that they won't be watching the Super Bowl this year. They say the thought of having to watch the Patriots and the Seahawks (who will never be confused with any team Americans would ever band together to cheer for) battling for immortal sports glory is too much to take. You're not watching the Super Bowl ... come on ... really??? You'll watch. Of course you will! Here are 10 reasons why: 1. PEER PRESSURE. Over 110-million people watched last year, and ratings have topped 100-million for each of the last four Super Bowls. That means a third of all humans (and some pets) living in the U.S. will be watching this game. Are you really going to be one of those who aren't? 2. THE SOCIAL IMPORTANCE. Be honest, how many parties do you go to a year now-a-days? Two? Three? You need this night to go spend time with friends, hang out and just be social! 3. THE MORAL OBLIGATION TO CHICKENS. There was a day not that long ago when chicken wings weren't that big a deal, almost a throw-away product. You owe it to the chickens of America to consume some wings dipped into your favorite sauce (or ranch dressing if you really have to). 4. SNACK FOOD HEAVEN. It's a free chance to ignore your diet for a night. Sure, you made a New Year's resolution to lose weight but, it's the Super Bowl! One night's not gonna hurt anything. Take your glucose monitor to the party with you if it makes you feel better. 5. BEING A GOOD FRIEND. A lot of people will make a lot of foods (etc) that they won't make any other time of the year. These are your friends, or at least people that you know. You owe it to them to at least try them and make it worth their effort. It's the neighborly thing to do. 6. THE COMMERICIALS. The average cost for a 30-second ad on this year's game is about $4.5 million. I'll give you a second to think about that ... $4.5 million for 30-seconds of time on a football game! That is $150,000 per second. If this column ran for that rate, it would be worth about $45-million a week! At that rate, I could retire to any place my wife wanted (assume "Beach" would be in the name). 7. BECAUSE YOU HATE (insert a name here). It's OK to admit you don't like one or both of the teams in the Super Bowl. I don't like them either. I really don't like the coaches. Create some sort of game where every time the person you strongly dislike with every fiber of your being does something, you eat or drink something. For example: everybody eats one of those little BBQ weenie things when the cameras catch Pete Carroll smiling during the game. It'll make you feel better and watching the game more fun. 8. ALTERNATIVE PROGRAMMING. Every station but the one who has the rights to the Super Bowl airs programming that people who don't want to watch the game will watch. It's marathons of tv series, special shows about animals or fashion or ... basically anything that women or non-sports-watching-men might watch. So if you aren't going to watch the game, your choices will be things like puppies running around on a table with walls, sassy small business owners bidding on abandoned storage lockers and 40-something women having romantic encounters with 20-something men. Good luck with that. 9. YOU'RE CURIOUS. Since the O.J. Simpson trial, a lot of us have taken an interest in crime scene investigation and forensic evidence. So of COURSE we are going to be watching to see how the Patriots are going to try to cheat to win this game. Video taping the other team and deflating the footballs to make it easier for Tommy to throw to Gronk in a monsoon (allegedly) have worked great, and you can't possibly think that losing a draft pick and being fined is going to stop the Patriots from trying something underhanded in this one, do ya? Call it CSI: Glendale. 10. IT'S AMERICA. Look, the Super Bowl is U.S. If an alien from outer space wanted to know what America was like, we'd invite him or her to a Super Bowl party. It's a football game where a third of the people in the country will be watching and binge eating main courses, finger food, snacks and drinking beverages of all kinds from red-colored cups with their name written on them with a Sharpie. It's getting together for an evening and staying up late even though you have to work the next day (maybe we could talk to the president about that, hmmm?). Super Bowl Sunday, for better or worse, is what America has worked so hard for for almost 239 years. So YES, you're going to watch the Super Bowl ... because you love wings, you love cheese dip, you love your friends, you love football and you love America.
