Most Rape Victims Know Their Attackers

Say the word "rape" and most people picture an unsuspecting woman being grabbed by a total stranger who jumps out of the bushes in a dark and deserted area.

But what if the rapist is someone you know? What if it's your date or your trusted older neighbor or your parents' friend?

According to 1999 statistics supplied by the U.S. Department of Justice, almost seven in 10 rape or sexual assault victims knew their attacker, either as an acquaintance, friend or intimate partner.

"One of the most dangerous things is the victim doesn't always know she was raped and the rapist doesn't realize it was rape," said Becky Moreno, victim assistance coordinator for the Warsaw Police Department. "They are kissing, she says 'no,' he talks her into it, she gives in, they have sex. Using intimidation or coercion makes it legal rape. ... If they're drunk and she can't give consent, that's rape too."

Date and acquaintance rape are rarely reported, Moreno said.

"I think there's a lot of girls who have been and they don't even realize it," she said. "When it's someone she's dating, someone she knows, someone she trusted, she blames herself."

Cathy, a teen-ager, was raped two years ago by a trusted family friend, and she still blames herself, still has flashbacks of the act and the aftermath.

"Some days now I can go through an entire day without thinking about it," she said recently of the progress she's made since the rape. And that progress has not been without a price - she has had counseling since the incident and still wakes up in terror because of nightmares.

"I'm afraid of going to sleep at night because of the dreams. I have horrible dreams," she said.

She reported the rape, and it eventually went to court. That process, too, was difficult for her. "In the courtroom, when I saw him, I felt helpless, I felt like a tiny little girl," she said.

Despite the ordeal of the trial, she said, she reported the rape and pressed charges because she was afraid the rapist would do it again.

"You know that you have to because they're gonna keep on getting away with it," she said. "Once they start doing it they're not gonna stop unless they get forced to stop."

If a victim of sexual assault reports the crime, Moreno said, a victim advocate will be called to help them through it, to help prepare them for what's ahead, to help them get counseling and to help them see that it's not their fault.

"There is a big difference between what happens in the criminal justice system and what happens in the healing process," Moreno said. "Things might not work out in the criminal justice system but that doesn't mean that it was your fault, that it didn't happen. ... You can't let your healing depend on what happens in the criminal justice system. If he's acquitted, it doesn't mean the victim is guilty, it just means the jury didn't think the prosecutor did his job."

Date or acquaintance rape is more difficult, Moreno said, because it was done by someone the victim knew and trusted.

Cathy said it has changed how she sees people.

"You don't know who to trust anymore. The world's just getting to that place - the people you trust are the people who hurt you the most. ... All your trust just goes away."

After the rape and during the trial, Cathy said, her most immediate need was to talk. "If I hadn't told anyone, it would eat away at me," she said. "If you keep it in too long it just explodes. The longer you keep it the more it hurts at the end."

It also hurt that most of her friends turned away from her, either because they didn't understand what she was going through or they were uncomfortable with the subject of rape.

She is healing, but it is a slow process - and she's impatient to regain control over her life. She's making all A's in school again and she is starting to trust a few very select people.

"Right now I just have to take it one day at a time," she said. "I try to focus on getting through the day. ... Every day you make it through, that day you win against him. That's what helps each day. I'm not gonna let him win this."