Cougar Pause: 20 Things Teens Wish Parents Knew, But Can't Tell Them
Posted
Scott Wiley-
Since Lakeland Christian Academy is a seventh– through 12th-grade school, most of our students are teenagers. The teenage years are tough for both the teen, and their parents. Too often as parents (and believe me, I speak from experience as a father of a teenager) we focus on discussing topics that we choose to discuss with our teen rather than asking them what they want to discuss. Many times this isn’t our fault as our teens have a hard time understanding and verbalizing their feelings. In researching this topic I recently talked with child psychologist Jeannie Colvin. What follows is her list of the top 20 things teens wished their parents knew, but were unable to tell them. 1. I may try to shock you. I’m trying to figure out who I am. I may look different, act different, change activities, listen to different music, and have a different opinion on what's cool. But don’t worry; I could change my opinion about everything next week. 2. I’m not as in control as I am trying to look. Sometimes my hormones make me feel crazy. I haven’t learned how to regulate myself yet. 3. I don’t always know why I’m angry, irritable, sad or worried. Sometimes I may need you to help me figure it out. But sometimes, I may want to figure it out alone. 4. I need limits. I’m going to yell at you and react to them, but when you don’t give me any, it makes me feel like I’m in charge. I may say that’s what I want, but it really scares me. 5. I notice there’s a change in our relationship too. We used to be a lot closer. The fact that we fight all the time now makes me feel like you don’t want me to grow older. 6. I need space. I need space to think, to regulate myself, to become someone. When you don't give me space, it makes me think you don't see my need for space or trust me, and I’ll probably push you away. 7. One of the best ways to help me learn is to pray for me and let me try. Please don't do my thinking for me. It makes me think you don't think I can handle life without you. If I try something, and fail, I’ll remember that a lot better than your reminders or lectures. Of course, please help me if there’s a safety concern. 8. I need to hear what I'm doing right. I’m forming my opinion about myself right now, and sometimes it's hard for me to see what is good about me. 9. I don’t want to make the big decisions in the family. It makes me feel like I’m the parent. 10. I need you to notice me. If I'm feeling sad or mad, I don’t always know it. When you notice me, it helps me to learn about myself and feel comforted. 11. I need you to be my parent. Not my friend, not my boss, just my parent. Nobody else in the world can be my parent but you. 12. About dating: Don’t freak out. When you freak out, it makes me think that dating is bad, and because I want to date, I must be bad too. 13. Sometimes I actually do want to talk to you, I just don't know how. Find creative ways to make me talk to you. It’ll take the pressure off. 14. I need you to pray for, and get help for me, when I need it. I'm not able to ask for it. I just don't know myself that well. 15. I get mad at you when you can't read my thoughts or know what I need without me having to say something. 16. It would be helpful to me if you take care of yourself. When I see you stressed out because of me, I get stressed out more. If you can handle me, then I can handle me. If you can't, then what chance do I have? 17. Have a life outside of me. When a lot of your time is spent dealing with me, it makes me feel claustrophobic, and I'll try to push you away. I need you to have fun, and do things that fill you up; otherwise, I will think it's my responsibility. 18. I need you to bring up the tough stuff. When you don't bring it up, it makes me think you can't handle it, so when I am dealing with it, I probably won't bring it up to you. 19. If you think I might be doing something I shouldn't, ask me. When I get away with stuff, it makes me feel powerful, and that scares me. 20. Even though I deny this, I really do care about what you think of me. Since you will be spending some extra time with your teen over Thanksgiving and the holidays, please use this list as a tool to get the conversation started. It may be just what you need to get the communication “ball rolling.” Have a great week!
