Recently, as guests in a relative's condo in sunny Florida, my husband and I spent two evenings feeling obligated to watch their favorite show, "American Idol." As an elementary school counselor constantly dealing with bully situations, I started avoiding shows like this long ago, but felt it would be a real put-down not to join in the fun in this situation and see if we had misjudged this show by earlier observations since the majority of viewers seem to almost build their schedules around watching this show. That I didn't make excuses the second night shows I am just as much a voyeur as everybody else.
It was horrible, and yet entertaining. I couldn't believe I sat there and kept my mouth shut, but thinking back on all the roles I used to teach about that occur in bully situations, I see I fell into being a passive observer, which is so easy. It is sort of like going to stock car races and kind of really wanting an accident to get all excited about - come on, you know what I mean.
When children are young, they blame the bully in a bullying scenario. As they become older, most tend to blame the victim. A friend I talked to about this said, "You know it is all a set-up. No one could go on making those noises thinking they really are going to win." My response was that if, by chance, it was a set-up and not people who are incapable of interpreting socially guiding innuendoes, the children of America don't know that. It used to be that children knew that adults expected them to support each other, but always found it difficult in the reality of playground life. Now, when they see their parents laughing when the judges of "American Idol" make horrible fun of contestants on the show, what on earth do we think we are doing? We are setting up Columbine scenarios. Some victims stay victims forever, but many stop behaving like victims when they are adolescents, and the rage that has built up for years will reverberate forever through that person's life.
What do we do? Well, personally, I'm going to not watch "American Idol" again. But if you continue, and your children are present, please think about what you are modeling. Talk about things the judges say that are inappropriate and unkind. If you do not, do not be surprised when you hear that your child said to another, "Why do you even bother to come to school - you're a nothing," or "You look like a monkey." I have seen children absolutely destroyed by such verbal bullies. The third role-player in a bully/victim scenario is always the bystander. There would be few bullies without the bystander. The bystander is a definite participant. He or she either actively assists the bully, or reinforces with positive feedback by laughing and other encouraging gestures, or doesn't take sides at all which allows "silent approval," or is a defender who takes sides and tries to stop the bullying in some way, such as saying something or getting help.
"American Idol" and other similar TV shows must carry the burden of influencing a whole generation of children. Please take action with your own children and talk about how easy it is to become the bystander who feeds the bully by laughing, and then start evaluating and critiquing the shows with your child if you must watch them. "American Idol" is thriving on our need for shocking excitement.
