Substance Abuse
May 7, 2020 at 8:14 p.m.
By -
I’ve had a substance abuse issue for most of my adult life. Looking back on brief stints of sobriety over the years, I’ve awakened to a realization.
Up until the first use, I had a choice. A choice to get high or not, a choice to be with my family, a choice to go to work everyday. Choices.
What most nonaddicts may never understand is that as an addict, we only choose the first use. After an addict has crossed the line from sobriety to getting just one hit from there on, we are on autopilot. The choices start to slowly go away. Waking up without using, going to work, being dependent on a substance makes one a slave. We no longer make any rational choices. We are driven by lust for euphoria, a feeling we can and never will get until finally our choices get us arrested.
Now, they’ve taken away all choice. We are locked up and told when to eat, sleep, where to walk, how to talk. They make us talk to our loved ones over a video screen or 10-minute phone calls that cost $5. And it gets worse.
I made choices that spawned the court into taking away my choice. Currently, I am at Westville serving a nine-year sentence for drugs. I cannot begin to explain in words the types of spiritual awakenings I’ve had.
As amazing as my life has become mentally and spiritually, no one can see that but myself and God. No one can see how beautiful I’ve become on the inside, not only because of RWI, but because it gave me space to get to know myself in a positive environment. However, now that I?have completed it and have rehabilitated myself to be acceptable to society, what now?
Prison is no place for an addict with a brain and a higher power. Floating along on a ship of fools surrounded by ignorance. There are more drugs here than on the street! This facility is literally infested with heroin, meth, suboxoen and K2 (spice). It looks like the walking dead around here. I choose to be clean everyday. But what is the point of me staying here? There is no more help for me here.
Since I have been here, the water has stopped working twice, I’ve seen two people die from smoking spice and be brought back to life. I’ve seen people run up dope debts and get stabbed. Now this whole place is crawling with corona and it’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when are we going to get it?
So if you’re reading this and you are in the stages before relapse where you’re just thinking about that feeling again, or if you’re a loved one of an addict or recovering addict, remember or remind them that they have a choice. Being free you still have a choice to not use. How empowering is that? You can choose to stay clean today. And if you slip, ask for help! One of my biggest regrets is not asking for help after I relapsed. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. Making a choice to stay clean or get help now because if you don’t, you may no longer have a choice.
Darren Heinzman
c/o Westville Correctional Facility, Westville
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I’ve had a substance abuse issue for most of my adult life. Looking back on brief stints of sobriety over the years, I’ve awakened to a realization.
Up until the first use, I had a choice. A choice to get high or not, a choice to be with my family, a choice to go to work everyday. Choices.
What most nonaddicts may never understand is that as an addict, we only choose the first use. After an addict has crossed the line from sobriety to getting just one hit from there on, we are on autopilot. The choices start to slowly go away. Waking up without using, going to work, being dependent on a substance makes one a slave. We no longer make any rational choices. We are driven by lust for euphoria, a feeling we can and never will get until finally our choices get us arrested.
Now, they’ve taken away all choice. We are locked up and told when to eat, sleep, where to walk, how to talk. They make us talk to our loved ones over a video screen or 10-minute phone calls that cost $5. And it gets worse.
I made choices that spawned the court into taking away my choice. Currently, I am at Westville serving a nine-year sentence for drugs. I cannot begin to explain in words the types of spiritual awakenings I’ve had.
As amazing as my life has become mentally and spiritually, no one can see that but myself and God. No one can see how beautiful I’ve become on the inside, not only because of RWI, but because it gave me space to get to know myself in a positive environment. However, now that I?have completed it and have rehabilitated myself to be acceptable to society, what now?
Prison is no place for an addict with a brain and a higher power. Floating along on a ship of fools surrounded by ignorance. There are more drugs here than on the street! This facility is literally infested with heroin, meth, suboxoen and K2 (spice). It looks like the walking dead around here. I choose to be clean everyday. But what is the point of me staying here? There is no more help for me here.
Since I have been here, the water has stopped working twice, I’ve seen two people die from smoking spice and be brought back to life. I’ve seen people run up dope debts and get stabbed. Now this whole place is crawling with corona and it’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when are we going to get it?
So if you’re reading this and you are in the stages before relapse where you’re just thinking about that feeling again, or if you’re a loved one of an addict or recovering addict, remember or remind them that they have a choice. Being free you still have a choice to not use. How empowering is that? You can choose to stay clean today. And if you slip, ask for help! One of my biggest regrets is not asking for help after I relapsed. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. Making a choice to stay clean or get help now because if you don’t, you may no longer have a choice.
Darren Heinzman
c/o Westville Correctional Facility, Westville
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