A Fantasy Football Team Stranger Than Fiction
August 28, 2018 at 4:54 p.m.
By Aaron [email protected]
With that comes fantasy football, everyone’s favorite way to be more than just a spectator. But, what if you could have a fantasy team of fictional players from your favorite cinema?
In honor of all the fantasy drafts around the nation this week, here is my all-time fictional fantasy football team.
Coaching Staff
Every football team needs a head coach who can be a rock for his players. Herman Boone unified his racially-divided team and turned them into state champions in “Remember The Titans,” so he’s my guy.
Of course, his buddy Bill Yoast would be my defensive coordinator, because he’s a hall of famer in my book. Running the offense will be the stern-but-fun coach Sean Porter from “Gridiron Gang.”
Quarterback
This was a tough one to pick, as I love Vince Howard from the TV show “Friday Night Lights.”
However, Steamin’ Willie Beamen from “Any Given Sunday” gets the nod for growing from prima donna to poised leader in less than three hours. His inspired performance in the playoffs was the icing on the cake.
Think you can defeat him? You’re dreamin’.
Backfield
James “Boobie” Miles from “Friday Night Lights” (movie), at running back, is the embodiment of the broken dream.
Based on the real-life Miles, whose knee injury derailed a promising career, Derek Luke brilliantly portrays a kid who went from cocky to broken to resolute.
In the brief moments before he was hurt, we saw that he could flat out play football. And he could pass!
Brian Piccolo, of “Brian’s Song,” is my fullback.
Based on the gritty, real-life running mate of the legendary Gale Sayers, Piccolo could certainly block and lighten the load for Miles.
Plus, he was awesome as Don Corleone’s son. Oh, wait ... that was something else.
Receiving Core
Catching the ball will be Tidwell, the charismatic, big-time playmaker from “Jerry Maguire,” and Matt Seracen, the shy QB1-turned-wideout from “Friday Night Lights” (TV).
For the big plays, I’ll go with Beamen and Tidwell all day, while Willie will hit Seracen on the slant routes.
Seracen’s best friend, the nerdy, lovable Landry Clarke, will be my tight end. He went from the wannabe “Lance” to helping the East Dillon Lions attain legitimacy.
Plus, he could provide halftime entertainment with his band, just as long as you don’t compare them to the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
Offensive Line
The game is won or lost up front, so I’ve got some studs on my line.
Junior Palaita, the self-redeeming team leader from “Gridiron Gang,” will snap the ball.
On either side of him will be Andre and Jamal Jackson from “The Replacements,” because any guards who will shoot up a car for their quarterback will definitely block for him.
My right tackle will be Louie Lastik from “Remember the Titans,” because I respect a self-aware man.
And protecting Beamen’s blind side will be Michael Oher from, well, “The Blind Side.” Just don’t dare lie to him.
Defensive Line
Two bloodthirsty cons from “The Longest Yard” remake (sue me, the original came out 16 years before I was born) are my defensive tackles.
Turley, the maximum-security prisoner, and Switowski, the gentle giant who hits like J.J. Watt, can certainly bust up running plays.
Darrell “Blue” Stanton from “Remember the Titans” will play defensive end, just as long as he doesn’t wear his bikini-style, leopard-spotted underwear.
Ivory Christian, at defensive end from “Friday Night Lights” (movie), can suit up in whatever he wants. After all, he’ll knock you out in a pair of flip flops.
Linebackers
Best friends Julius Campbell and Gary Bertier from “Remember the Titans” will captain my defense. Gary taking the weak side, and Julius taking the strong side, of course.
In the middle will be Bobby Boucher from “The Waterboy,” who will double as the team’s H20-Supplier-In-Chief. His mama said it’s all right.
Secondary
Even though Petey Jones was initially the running back in “Remember the Titans,” he came into his own as the hard-hitting corner who took Ryan Gosling’s spot.
Opposite him will be Spike Hammersmith. Even though he played for the hated Cowboys in “Little Giants,” his talent was undeniable.
My strong safety will be Brian Chavez, the studious captain from “Friday Night Lights” (movie), and my free safety will be Cheeseburger Eddie from “The Longest Yard” remake.
Eddie will provide post-game meals in the form of McDonald’s contraband.
Kicker/Punter
Derek Wallace from “The Waterboy” was a great teammate, being the first guy to welcome Bobby Boucher to the team.
He also was a clutch kicker, nailing a timely field goal to help the Mud Dogs win the Bourbon Bowl.
Even though we never saw him punt in the movie, I’m sure he’d be up to the task after drinking some of Bobby’s high-quality H20.
Kick/Punt Returner
Forrest Gump was a runnin’ fool. One of the more entertaining of his amazing feats was the way he’d leave would-be tacklers in the dust on his way to the end zone (and eventually the stadium tunnel).
Not bad for a guy who used to wear leg braces.
I’ll take this team on “Any Given Sunday.” They may not be real, but they’re real good.
With that comes fantasy football, everyone’s favorite way to be more than just a spectator. But, what if you could have a fantasy team of fictional players from your favorite cinema?
In honor of all the fantasy drafts around the nation this week, here is my all-time fictional fantasy football team.
Coaching Staff
Every football team needs a head coach who can be a rock for his players. Herman Boone unified his racially-divided team and turned them into state champions in “Remember The Titans,” so he’s my guy.
Of course, his buddy Bill Yoast would be my defensive coordinator, because he’s a hall of famer in my book. Running the offense will be the stern-but-fun coach Sean Porter from “Gridiron Gang.”
Quarterback
This was a tough one to pick, as I love Vince Howard from the TV show “Friday Night Lights.”
However, Steamin’ Willie Beamen from “Any Given Sunday” gets the nod for growing from prima donna to poised leader in less than three hours. His inspired performance in the playoffs was the icing on the cake.
Think you can defeat him? You’re dreamin’.
Backfield
James “Boobie” Miles from “Friday Night Lights” (movie), at running back, is the embodiment of the broken dream.
Based on the real-life Miles, whose knee injury derailed a promising career, Derek Luke brilliantly portrays a kid who went from cocky to broken to resolute.
In the brief moments before he was hurt, we saw that he could flat out play football. And he could pass!
Brian Piccolo, of “Brian’s Song,” is my fullback.
Based on the gritty, real-life running mate of the legendary Gale Sayers, Piccolo could certainly block and lighten the load for Miles.
Plus, he was awesome as Don Corleone’s son. Oh, wait ... that was something else.
Receiving Core
Catching the ball will be Tidwell, the charismatic, big-time playmaker from “Jerry Maguire,” and Matt Seracen, the shy QB1-turned-wideout from “Friday Night Lights” (TV).
For the big plays, I’ll go with Beamen and Tidwell all day, while Willie will hit Seracen on the slant routes.
Seracen’s best friend, the nerdy, lovable Landry Clarke, will be my tight end. He went from the wannabe “Lance” to helping the East Dillon Lions attain legitimacy.
Plus, he could provide halftime entertainment with his band, just as long as you don’t compare them to the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
Offensive Line
The game is won or lost up front, so I’ve got some studs on my line.
Junior Palaita, the self-redeeming team leader from “Gridiron Gang,” will snap the ball.
On either side of him will be Andre and Jamal Jackson from “The Replacements,” because any guards who will shoot up a car for their quarterback will definitely block for him.
My right tackle will be Louie Lastik from “Remember the Titans,” because I respect a self-aware man.
And protecting Beamen’s blind side will be Michael Oher from, well, “The Blind Side.” Just don’t dare lie to him.
Defensive Line
Two bloodthirsty cons from “The Longest Yard” remake (sue me, the original came out 16 years before I was born) are my defensive tackles.
Turley, the maximum-security prisoner, and Switowski, the gentle giant who hits like J.J. Watt, can certainly bust up running plays.
Darrell “Blue” Stanton from “Remember the Titans” will play defensive end, just as long as he doesn’t wear his bikini-style, leopard-spotted underwear.
Ivory Christian, at defensive end from “Friday Night Lights” (movie), can suit up in whatever he wants. After all, he’ll knock you out in a pair of flip flops.
Linebackers
Best friends Julius Campbell and Gary Bertier from “Remember the Titans” will captain my defense. Gary taking the weak side, and Julius taking the strong side, of course.
In the middle will be Bobby Boucher from “The Waterboy,” who will double as the team’s H20-Supplier-In-Chief. His mama said it’s all right.
Secondary
Even though Petey Jones was initially the running back in “Remember the Titans,” he came into his own as the hard-hitting corner who took Ryan Gosling’s spot.
Opposite him will be Spike Hammersmith. Even though he played for the hated Cowboys in “Little Giants,” his talent was undeniable.
My strong safety will be Brian Chavez, the studious captain from “Friday Night Lights” (movie), and my free safety will be Cheeseburger Eddie from “The Longest Yard” remake.
Eddie will provide post-game meals in the form of McDonald’s contraband.
Kicker/Punter
Derek Wallace from “The Waterboy” was a great teammate, being the first guy to welcome Bobby Boucher to the team.
He also was a clutch kicker, nailing a timely field goal to help the Mud Dogs win the Bourbon Bowl.
Even though we never saw him punt in the movie, I’m sure he’d be up to the task after drinking some of Bobby’s high-quality H20.
Kick/Punt Returner
Forrest Gump was a runnin’ fool. One of the more entertaining of his amazing feats was the way he’d leave would-be tacklers in the dust on his way to the end zone (and eventually the stadium tunnel).
Not bad for a guy who used to wear leg braces.
I’ll take this team on “Any Given Sunday.” They may not be real, but they’re real good.
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