While all the foes of tobacco were reveling in the settlement reached in Washington, I said to myself, "Self, this product liability stuff is really getting out of hand."

Mississippi Attorney General Michael Moore, who was on a mission against the tobacco industry and was the lead negotiator for the tobacco foes, called it "the most historic public health achievement in history."

Aside from being silly and redundant, I think that statement is a bit of a stretch. I'd probably go with the discovery of penicillin or the polio vaccine as the most significant public health achievement in history, but what do I know?

And when you get right down to it, where do you suppose most of that $360 billion over 25 years will go? Do you think it will go to victims of cigarettes? To the survivors of victims of cigarettes? It's supposed to go to pay for health care costs incurred because of cigarettes. It's supposed to pay for programs aimed at getting people to quit smoking.

My guess? It will go to attorneys. And when the attorneys are done, the rest may go to victims or health care or programs. But make no mistake. The attorneys will be paid.

But I digress. The thing that bothers me most about the agreement is that it is one more step toward eliminating personal responsibility.

People make the decision to smoke. People know smoking is bad for them. They smoke anyway. Whose fault is that?

But the cigarette companies lied to us! Oh yeah, and we all believed it, right? We all thought for the past 20 years that smoking was a good thing. That it wasn't harmful. That it had no negative health implications.

But that's the wave of the future. Nobody should be held responsible for his actions.

If you smoke, it's not your fault. Blame the tobacco company.

If you drive drunk, blame the bartender. If you lie, cheat, steal or beat somebody up, blame your parents. You were an abused child, you see.

If you crash your car into a tree, blame the automaker.

If you fall off your bicycle, blame the bicycle maker.

And for heaven's sake, if you lean your ladder against an electric line, blame the company that made the ladder or the electric company.

You get the picture. It's out of control. Nobody is responsible for anything anymore.

Of course all of this could be cured with legislation known by two little words - loser pays.

That means if you file a suit and you lose, you have to pay all the legal fees. Right now, a lawsuit, regardless of merit, is a nothing-to-lose proposition for an attorney.

Under loser pays, attorneys would examine the merits of a case more closely before filing a lawsuit.

Of course products should be safe. But should companies that produce things like ladders have to employ legions of product liability attorneys to fend off the lawsuits?

Have you ever looked at a ladder? It has dozens of warnings posted all over it. All of this to educate consumers about the dangers of, well, gravity, I guess.

Ever checked the price of a ladder? Why do you suppose they cost so much these days? Could it be because companies that make ladders are being sued relentlessly by people who stand on the top rung and overreach?

And then along comes this tobacco thing.

Some of the settlement terms seem silly to me.

For example, the Food and Drug Administration could regulate nicotine as a drug, but couldn't ban it until 2009. Even then the FDA would have to ensure that a ban would not cause a significant cigarette black market. How could the FDA ever in a million years ensure there would be no cigarette black market?

Virtually all advertising will be banned or severely restricted. No animals, cartoon characters or people. No more Joe Camel, Marlboro Man or Winston Cup racing. (But it's OK to sell beer with cute little frogs and penguins.)

And - this is my personal favorite term of the settlement - "Black labels covering the top fourth of cigarette packs, including 'Cigarettes are addictive' and 'Cigarettes can kill you.' "

Those warnings are pretty good, I guess. But I prefer a more personal approach. Something like "Smokers are dirt" or "You're low-life, insignificant Communist pond scum" would be more effective, I think.

You know, this could be a real marketing boost for the tobacco companies. One of the hottest selling brands of cigarettes in the Netherlands is called "Death Sticks." The pack contains a skull and crossbones and the warning, "Smoke these and you will die." They sell like hotcakes.

The agreement also calls for cigarette machines to be banned. Cigarettes will be sold only behind store counters. There will be no free-standing displays.

Again, that's good, but it could have been better. They could have restricted sales to the second Tuesday of the new moon.

And after all this, the industry will pay fines if youth smoking fails to drop by 30 percent in five years, 50 percent in seven years and 60 percent in 10 years.

What is the industry supposed to do, chase kids around with fire extinguishers? Aren't parents supposed to make sure their kids don't smoke?

I like this part, too. "Civil penalties of up to $10 million for violations of obligations to disclose research about health effects and information about toxicity of tobacco product ingredients."

That's an invitation to stop doing research.

The whole mess goes before Congress. It will be interesting to see what, if anything, gets approved by the boys who so heavily subsidize the tobacco industry and so happily inject tobacco money into their campaign coffers.

By the way, while writing this on Thursday morning, I consumed a couple cups of evil brew. I'm feeling a bit edgy from the caffeine. This is unsettling to me. I don't like feeling edgy.

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