The more I watch the drama unfold in Washington, the more it starts to look like a comedy.

A comedy of errors.

Everybody is spewing contradictions. Everybody is partially in the wrong.

All the politicians are playing it for their political gain.

If it wasn't so tragic it would almost be funny.

Take the president's videotaped testimony.

I realize that the president is a skilled attorney as well as a politician, but I think he got a little carried away at times.

My favorite lawyerism was when Clinton was asked the simple, straightforward question: "Were you ever alone in the White House with Monica Lewinsky?"

The answer? "That depends on how you define the word 'alone.'"

Then he went on to explain that there were other people in the White House when they were together so technically they weren't alone.

Then it dawned on me.

Think of all the trouble I could have avoided when I was a kid if I just could have used my head like the president. I honestly wish I would have thought of some of the excuses I saw on that videotape.

Like when mom caught me with cookie crumbs on my shirt before supper and said, "Gary Alan Gerard! Did you eat a cookie before supper?"

I could have said, "Well, that depends on your definition of the word 'eat.' Does your definition include digestion, or just ingestion, chewing and swallowing? Because while I may have ingested, chewed and swallowed the cookie, I am confident it is not digested. Therefore, based on your poorly defined question, I can say with confidence that I did not 'eat' a cookie before supper."

But silly me. I always just said, "Yes, Mommy." That is, until I got smart enough to brush the crumbs off my shirt.

It took me a while to figure that one out. For a long time, I thought Mom was psychic.

And in high school, when I got an essay question counted wrong on a test, I could have argued that my answer was "legally accurate."

Seems ridiculous, doesn't it?

But that's exactly the sort of nonsense President Clinton was saying in his grand jury testimony.

But you have to hand it to Clinton. He came off looking like the victim in the videotape. People felt sorry for him and his approval rating went up a bit.

That really didn't surprise me because this whole investigation has been a compendium of contradictions.

First of all, I have seen lots of grand juries work. They are secret. You can't find out what's going on in them.

Not this grand jury. There were continuous leaks. We pretty much knew everything before Starr's report even came out.

Of course this incensed the White House (or so they said). They blamed it on operatives seeking political advantage, trying to make the president look bad.

But that's a contradiction.

If it was me in the White House, I would be thankful for the leaks. I'll bet they were happy to have all that information. Surely it had to come in handy when they were preparing Clinton for his testimony.

Which is itself another contradiction because the targets of grand juries - in my humble experience, anyway - NEVER testify.

They're never even asked to testify. They don't have to, so why would they? Think about it. If you're the target of a grand jury investigation, what could you possibly say that could keep you out of hot water?

Say you're accused of theft. They haul you before the grand jury. They ask you if you stole.

You have three choices: Lie and risk perjury. Tell the truth and go to jail. Invoke your Fifth Amendment right to not incriminate yourself.

But the Starr folks figured the president would testify to avoid the appearance of having something to hide. Clinton was in a political pickle and Starr knew it.

So Clinton testified.

But even his testimony is an anomaly as far as grand jury testimonies go.

People testifying before grand juries never have their attorneys with them. And they are never allowed to evade questions.

No, this was no ordinary grand jury. From the beginning, it was a political farce.

None of this, of course, forgives the president for diddling around in the Oval Office and then lying about it under oath. I still think perjury is an impeachable offense and I believe the honorable thing for Clinton to do would be to resign.

But even the most ardent Clinton hater must admit this whole thing has been a bit bizarre.

Starr denies partisanship and unfairness, but then conveniently leaves out of his initial report the part of Monica's testimony where she says that nobody told her to lie or offered her a job.

The White House makes it sound like it wasn't in the report at all, but that isn't true. It's in there. It wasn't omitted, it was summarized. But the word-for-word testimony was left out.

Of course, Monica's complete testimony is included in the supporting materials, so some would say this is much ado about nothing.

But the initial report quotes lots of testimony, so one must wonder why those critical quotes from Monica were left out.

And look at the way the Congress is handling it. There are contradictions all over the place.

First, the Republicans say they won't be swayed by the polls and that they will take all the time necessary to make an informed decision.

Then they rush to release the evidence before they've even seen it all in hopes of getting a poll bump.

The Democrats, who chastised the Republicans for rushing to judgment last week, want the Republicans to hurry up and get the investigation over within 30 days or so.

At the same time, the Demos want to see more from Starr because they think he left out some important stuff. That would undoubtedly slow the pace of the investigation.

I'm telling you, it's hard to keep up with all the non sequiturs.

I've had it. I am disillusioned and disappointed with everybody in Washington. Hyde, Conyers, Gingrich, Gephardt, all of them.

They're all posturing for the polls. That bipartisan stuff they spew is a joke.

But I hold Clinton responsible. He's the one that got us into this mess.

And you know what? I'm afraid this is only the tip of the iceberg. I believe Starr is obligated to file reports on all his investigations - Whitewater, Travelgate, FBI Filegate.

If those reports are anything like the one on Monica, we'll be wallowing around in this stuff for a long, long time. [[In-content Ad]]