Nearly 100 people interested in improved parenting crowded the meeting room at the KCH Health and Wellness Center Wednesday to hear a national expert talk about "kids, parents and power struggles."

Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, the author of several best-selling books on raising children, said power struggles, instead of being win-lose situations, are about feelings and needs. To prevent power struggles between parents and children, she said, parents need to understand the feelings causing the situation.

"The real power is in the emotional bond," she said, "so you must have a vision of where you're going in the long run."

She described two kinds of people - emotion coaches and intimidators. Emotion coaches, she said, are sensitive, responsive, supportive and encouraging - they connect. Intimidators are intrusive, unresponsive, domineering and insensitive - they disconnect. Angry, rebellious kids are usually raised by intimidators, she said.

For every single power struggle, there are at least 10 strategies a parent can use, she said, and she recommended looking at events or situations that led to whatever is causing the stress for the child.

Key stressors for kids are school, family conflict, the threat of being abandoned and peers. Parents should look to themselves when dealing with a stressed child, she said.

"What do you want when you have a bad day?" she said. "Our kids want exactly the same thing."

Bring down the intensity so your kids can hear you, she advised, then go back later, when things are calmer, for the "teachable moment."

"When kids say things like 'I hate you,' 'You can't make me,'" she said, "say, 'I'm listening, try again, say it in a way that makes me want to listen.' That calms them down so you can discuss it."

Anger is a second emotion, she said, and is caused by other emotions, such as frustration, fear or anxiety. Stepping in "when the feeling is little" will help prevent it from turning into anger or rage, she said.

"We have to listen to the cues and act on them," she said.

Sometimes parents believe their children should be constantly busy in organized, entertaining or stimulating activities when all the kids need is time at home to just play, Kurcinka said.

American kids also are sleep-deprived, and that leads to problems, she said. For example, toddlers need 11 hours of sleep at night plus a two-hour nap; preschoolers need 11 to 12 hours sleep each night; school-age kids need 10 hours; and adolescents need 9.25 hours each night.

"If you have to wake your child in the morning, they're sleep-deprived," she said.

Another skill kids can learn at any age ("It's never, ever too late") is effective problem-solving, she said. Some things, such as safety issues - car seats, seat belts - are non-negotiable, but lesser things can be negotiated, she said.

"If you're always a brick wall, they're gonna get around you, over you, under you," she said.

Problem-solving may initially be a lot of work, she said, but it can prevent power struggles and can teach kids valuable life skills that will help them all through their lives.

"We can always choose, we can always grow," she said, "and we can always connect with our kids."

The free seminar was presented as a program of the KCH women's health center. [[In-content Ad]]