When I take a vacation, I generally try to stay away from news.

It's difficult, since I'm a bit of a news junkie, but I really try.

I only looked at CNN a couple times and I only read a couple newspapers in two weeks.

So when I come back to work, I always have a bit of catching up to do.

This week, there was plenty to catch up on.

Kobe Bryant

I guess I didn't realize his middle name was Bean. That's an unusual middle name. It's funny how when CNN throws graphics up on the screen, sometimes it seems they try to make things seem more ominous or significant.

Like putting "Kobe Bean Bryant" under his picture while they're doing a story about his Colorado troubles.

Of course, his case will polarize the country. They're already doing the polls.

Most blacks think he's innocent. Most whites think he's guilty. I just don't get that. I honestly don't see what race has to do with it.

And there's a group of people who are saying that the victim should be named.

That's just asinine.

If we start naming rape victims, rape victims will stop reporting rapes.

I can assure you that as long as I am making decisions at this newspaper, we will not print the names of rape victims.

As to Kobe's guilt or innocence, I have only a couple observations.

Observation No. 1:

The prosecutor in Colorado would have to be completely out of his mind to bring a less-than-solid sexual assault case against the likes of Kobe Bryant.

Observation No. 2:

While I certainly understand how celebrities can become targets of opportunistic gold diggers, my definition of consensual sex doesn't include bruising and vaginal tearing.

Gay Bishop

The Episcopalian church's decision to allow an openly gay man to become a bishop surprised me.

First of all, I don't hold any disdain for gay people. I don't thing there should be laws against being gay or anything like that.

I don't think people should be discriminated against because they're gay.

I think people should be able to live that lifestyle without fear of reprisal.

And I don't think that or any other lifestyle should be forced on anyone.

But I guess when it comes to the church, the Episcopalians puzzle me a bit.

If you believe the Bible is the inerrant word of God - which virtually every Christian church purports to do - then it boils down to a matter of interpretation.

Given that, it is really hard for me to understand how one could interpret the Bible to say that a gay lifestyle is acceptable.

But then again, it is hard for me to understand how one could interpret the U.S. Constitution to say that you can't have a nativity on the courthouse lawn.

Recall Fiasco

Years ago I saw this comedian, Gallagher. Remember him? He used to smash fruit on stage with his signature "Sledg-o-matic."

Part of his routine was telling jokes, and he told one about California once that rings true more today than it did years ago when I first heard it.

"California reminds me of a bowl of granola," the comic said. "Anything that isn't a fruit or a nut is a flake."

It is virtually unbelievable to me the level of lunacy going on out there with the campaign to remove Gov. Gray Davis from office.

Everybody with $3,500 and a signature is jumping in the fray.

Then, amazingly, on Thursday, Republican Rep. Darrell Issa, the guy who started the whole thing by putting up his own money to fund the recall, tearfully with drew his name from contention.

Huh?

The likes of Larry Flynt and Gary Coleman are even getting involved.

And of course there's self-proclaimed porn star Mary Carey. Her campaign slogan is, "We've had Brown. We've tried Gray. Now it's time for some blonde."

It's crazy.

Of course the big news was Arnold Schwarzenegger tossing his hat into the ring.

It was really fun to watch the way liberals and conservatives reacted.

Conservatives, who were hand-wringing about celebrities getting involved in politics when the likes of Martin Sheen were criticizing the war on Iraq, felt like Arnold (I refuse to type Schwarzenegger again) might make a darn good governor.

And liberals, who held up the Dixie Chicks as veritable foreign policy experts a while back, were decrying Arnold's dire lack of qualifications to discuss political issues in California.

But you have to admit it makes for good headline writing.

Think about it.

Running Man and Total Recall are too obvious.

The Governator.

The Candidator.

Conan The Republican.

Conan The Legislator.

Commando in Chief.

Political Damage.

You get the picture.

I suppose there's just one thing left to say:

"Hasta la vista, baby." [[In-content Ad]]