By the end of 2001 the government will tell us what diet to be on.

This week the scientists with the Agriculture Department announced they are going to test two of this country's most popular diets - the low-carb diet and the low-fat diet.

They want to see whether the diets work and how safe they are.

I hope the report includes an endorsement of Mrs. Freshley's Bear Claw Danish. I love those things. The almond danish is pretty good, too. I buy them out of the the vending machine here at work.

Anyway, just about everybody I know has been on one or the other of those diets in the past few years, so I suppose it's a good thing the government is going to check them out.

I like what I hear about that low-carb diet pioneered by Robert Atkins. You get to eat omelets, cheese, bacon and burgers, but not the bun. That sounds like my kind of diet. (I would probably cheat and eat the bun anyway.)

But Dean Ornish, who is a big promoter of a low-fat diet, is a big critic of the Atkins diet.

Ornish says the Atkins diet will hurt your kidneys or your bones. Atkins says that's a load of crap and notes that low-fat diets can increase your blood sugar to dangerous, diabetes-causing levels.

One thing to remember about these and all other diet and exercise gurus is that they are firing barbs at each other through the windows of their Mercedes on the way to the bank.

They are competing for the same customers and they all have some kind of supplement, drink mix, bar or meal to sell you.

Of course, they all make it sound like if you don't do it their way, you are doomed to failure and a life in size XXL. And they all tell their clients that none of it is about money. It's all about helping people.

Whatever.

I want a diet that includes those hard little chocolate chip cookies you get out of the machine. Have you ever dunked those in coffee?

In previous generations, people actually worked for a living, so they could eat pretty much anything they wanted and were never overweight. I don't mean to say people today don't work, but it's a different kind of work.

Fewer and fewer people actually have to exert any physical energy at their jobs.

Most people stand at machines or sit at a desk all day. It's not conducive to a 32 waist.

In the good old days, physical labor was much more common. There were lots of old farmers who ate bacon and eggs and steak and potatoes every day their entire life.

And they saved up the bacon grease to cook the potatoes.

But they needed all those calories to keep pace with their very active lifestyle. Their bodies, with speedy metabolisms, burned up all the goo before it had a chance to clog up their arteries.

(I have no scientific proof of the goo theory. It is based strictly on anecdotal observations.)

But there are not many active lifestyles these days unless you make it a point to go to the YMCA every day.

No wonder obesity is now the top health issue in America. The government says fully 55 percent of Americans are overweight and 25 percent of us are obese.

For the record, you are considered overweight if you are 6 feet tall and weigh 185 pounds. If you are 6 feet tall and weigh 220, you are obese. Somebody who is 5-foot 6-inches tall would be overweight at 155 and obese at 185.

Wow, that sounds a little harsh, doesn't it? I'm definitely teetering on the edge.

So it won't be too long before the government comes out and tells us which diet is the best.

But the fact is, they're probably going to tell us a bunch of stuff we already know.

Like the best way to control weight and stay healthy is to exercise regularly and eat a balanced diet that includes a lot of whole grains, fruits and vegetables.

Everybody knows that, right?

The broccoli is great, but leave off the melted cheese or hollandaise sauce.

The baked potato is fine, but leave off the butter and sour cream.

And whatever fitness plan you go on, you have to stick with it. If you stop, you'll gain the weight back.

It's not so much the dieting that's important, it's the change in lifestyle.

If you don't change, you end up on the weight yo-yo. Always going up and down. You lose weight, you gain it back.

That's probably worse for you than just being overweight.

So until the government comes out with its recommendations, I've got some sure-fire weight loss advice. I guarantee these tips won't fail you.

First, increase physical activity and decrease caloric intake.

Second, if something tastes really good, don't eat it. If something tastes like sawdust shoelaces or shampoo, eat all you want.

Third, run five miles and push your car around the block each day and eat absolutely anything you want.

Any one or any combination of those three tips will have you looking like a hunky body-builder or a supermodel in no time.

Hey, maybe I could convince people to pay me for that advice. [[In-content Ad]]